Emotional Detachment Disorder

I was always one of the happy individuals. 2019 just wasn't the year for me. For some odd reason, nothing in that year seemed to be going right. I was adjusting to the drastic change of moving across the world. First nine months in this new location was amazing. Lived in the city, so it was always something to do! Met a ton of people. Stayed right by an airport, and flew in and out of this state like it was nothing. Then things started changing for the worst. Nipsey Hussle was the first to go. Met him, and he definitely left an impression on me. So his death hurt. Next was my brother's freedom, which was token shortly after. When my brother was scooped up by the Feds, it was extremely difficult for my family. He was missing for four whole days. And everyone in my family knows that this just wasn't like him. I called prisons all across the state he was scooped up in, none of them had him in their systems. I reached out to everyone, looked in data bases, and since I wasn't getting anywhere, I hoped in my car with his baby mother and drove 10 hours to go to three courthouses that may have him. After talking to several judges, clerks and etc., my brother was finally given phone time and he called me. As I spoke to him, he could hear the pain in my voice. I couldn't believe the man that has been an active father figure in my life is serving time. No one understood the pain I felt. The man that never missed anything in my life, a birthday, graduation, relationship, breakup, heartache, was going to miss out on life changing things for me like a marriage, first child, etc., won't be there and that is painful. That scared me to the point I put my dating life on hold. I didn't want him to miss out on anything. He told me not to put my life on hold for him. So every day I shed a tear for him and keep going. Fast forward to the end of the year, when I didn't think anything could get worst. November 3, 2019 was the night that would change my train of thought for the rest of my life. I began drinking. Not too heavy, but I had gave up a two year drinking streak because I thought I could take my mind off of the pain with a glass of champagne and a shot or two. I was going through it, yet drinking only made me feel even more useless. I remember laying in my bed that night. Got a call from a family member who wanted to come pick me up to go with her to a sports bar. I really wasn't in the mood, but so she wouldn't go by herself, I agreed for her to come scoop me. This sports bar was full of weirdos. But I love football. The Patriots were playing the Ravens. That game was so close. Men were looking at me left to right. Buying pitchers of liquor and sending it to our table, I probably had a cup or so, but mentally I was out of it. I think five different men gave me their numbers, never called, I was never interested in meeting people in bars. The women I were with were much older than I, so this sports bar were full of older men. It was a bit too thirsty for me. The ladies were beyond drunk. They invited these two men with us, and drove to Baltimore. Mind you I'm still not in my vehicle. The night kept getting uglier and uglier. All the women I was with ended up leaving me with this stranger, who took me to his home, where he robbed me of my two year celibacy. I would never forget this night. This man had to be about 6'3-6'5. He ripped my clothes off and picked me up and even though I kept saying no, he still took advantage of me. I scratched and bit him several times, but he kept going. That man choked me, so I just closed my eyes and imagined something else to help take my mind off of what was happening. Do you know how it feels to have to close your eyes and just let something like that happen to you?! I felt violated. I was completely naked. I had none of my tools with me. My first time caught slipping. This type of trauma changed me. I kept this secret in for so long. I went to work the next day with tears in my eyes. No one knew. I flew home the next weekend to get my tools. Which allowed me to feel somewhat safer. My sister was the first person I told. She knew something was wrong with me. I came to visit her two months later and broke down. Her crazy ass broke down with me, and gave me a hug. It felt amazing to tell someone. I was dying in side. I was raped in sweatpants, a sweatshirt and a scarf. I looked a mess and that thirsty man did that to me. Two years later, I feel so much better. I am finally comfortable enough to talk about what happened to me without feeling like a lame. I thank all my girlfriends that allowed me to be comfortable enough to open up about my experience without judging me. I love them, and I can't forget about the hugs. I still wear those sweats with the rips in them to remind me how strong I am. Who would have thought I would be a Rape Victim at age 29? So every year, I will celebrate the night of my rape, by doing something positive to kill the memory of that traumatic experience. There are minor issues i have from that experience. I have insomnia every year from November 2nd-5th in which I toss and turn thinking about that night. And even though that happened to me, I want to continue to be positive and treat others kindly. Want to bless others because no one knew what I was going through and I was still treated poorly. I'm finally back in control of my life and it feels so good!!! So here's to NEW Memories!!!!! #rapevictim #nomeansno #takingbackcontrolofmylife #2019changedme

xoxo

HeavensxAngel